by Amber

Crawling In My Skin

If you need to talk to someone, please reach out. You’re not alone, and someone will be there for you, please don’t suffer in silence.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

1-800-273-8255

Am I real? How can I know for sure? Has my whole life been some elaborate dream? I stare at a spot on the wall as I contemplate these questions. Panic sets in and I don’t feel real, worst yet, my life doesn’t feel real. I can’t even define the word real at the current moment.

The first time this happened to me I was 8 years old, riding in the back of the family truck. It was pitch black outside and I laid my head on the back of the seat in front of me. The material was frigid against my face because my skin was burning and tingling. I began to have what I now realize was a mild anxiety attack. I questioned my existence in the world; if Earth was even a planet, if life was even possible. I kept thinking that this whole universe was made up, and my consciousness wasn’t real.

I was dissociating because of my anxiety. I know this now, but back then I was simply confused and frightened. I still experience this symptom for a few moments, every now and then. Once, during one of my longest panic attacks, I made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror after splashing water on my face. My eyes were hauntingly unfamiliar. Tears started falling down my face as I stared at an alien’s reflection. The easiest way to describe what I was feeling is possession. Imagine what a demonically possessed girl in a horror movie might feel if she had looked into the mirror with enough consciousness to understand her situation.

That’s the panic attack that changed my life. I started viewing anxiety as my own personal demon. It’s a daily battle and sometimes I fail so miserably that I almost break down. It’s the days that I’ve managed to beat the demon into submission that give me hope.

If your demons are scratching their way to the surface, keep fighting the battle. I know how difficult it can be, going to war with your demons. Everyday won’t be a loss, and your life is worth fighting for, even on the days that you lose the battle.

19 thoughts on “Crawling In My Skin”

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  3. Amber, my heart goes out to you, and to all, who suffer with this very real and painful condition (myself and many loved ones, included)!!!! It means everything to know we are not alone, and that we can do much to mitigate and navigate the trauma of the suffering, and to better come to understand the origins of it, as well!!! There is great strength and hope to be had: resilience is so much stronger than pain!!! Thank you!!!!
    šŸ’—šŸ™šŸ» šŸ¦‹

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